something that i never want to go through again..

i saw a blurry him when i open my eyes.. i knew he was beside me and i went back to sleep.. i knew i was safe.. i knew if anything was to happen, he will know it immediately and inform the nurse. i was still under the effects of the anaesthesia given... i can't control myself.. i wanted to call out to him, i wanted to hug him.. but i was feeling too weak to do anything.. i can only feel pain.. the only word that i remember telling him was,"pain." and he went out calling out to the nurse.. i chew a pill which he fed me with and i went back to sleep.

i don't know how long i slept.. when i wake up.. the pain is still there and same for the weakness.. he is also there.. i feel glad that he was there..

i remembered before i feel the effects of the anaesthesia. I was thinking more of the pain. will i feel the pain? will i be conscious during that period? or will i be totally unconscious? i was more worried bout the pain and the after effects of the whole procedure... i was hoping he can go in together with me but i know it's not possible... the nurse told me i will be unconscious.. after that she injected something into my arm and ask me to count from 1-10.. even before i could get to 10.. i was down...

and when i wake up i was already back in the room with him sitting beside me.. he was holding my hands and looking at me.. he was so soft and gentle with me... it's as though he's worried about breaking me into pieces..

i thank god for him who insist in coming along with me n was there with me throughout the whole period of time..it wasn't easy. i had terrible mood swings and wasn't feel well too. Yet he was still there.. he could have choose to let me face it alone but he didn't. It gave me a sense of security that some one will take good care of me..


even though it was over long time back, but, till now.. i still wonder what follows if my decision was the other....

regrets? no idea... till now i'm ok.. not thinking about it.. only when my emotions get stirred up and that's the time when everything comes running back to me..